Will it Come?

I'm starting to get a little worried about my attitude towards kids right now. I am still very excited for my little boy to get here, and can't wait to be a mother. I have always wanted to be a mom. There was even a point that I had decided to trash that whole idea, and it wasn't going to happen for me. I felt I was too old to be having my first child. I didn't think I had the patience to deal with a whiny, crying, suck the life out of me small person. I am so scared that the whole patience thing will not come to me, and I am going to hate my baby. I thought I was too greedy to want to bring a little one into this world that would be depending completely on me, and I just wouldn't want to deal with it and end up being a dead beat mom. Some of these thoughts are coming back... but oops! Too late! No getting out of it now. Me being so sick through my entire pregnancy hasn't helped with that much either. It makes me wonder if I am going to resent my child for putting me through this crap. I am hoping that it is just the pregnancy hormones talking, but in a way know that it isn't. For a long time even before I was pregnant, unless I was around a perfectly well mannered child or baby, I would get very annoyed and anxious with anything that kid would do. It was always the best birth control back in the day. Now, however, it is scaring the crap out of me. There are things that I just need to keep thinking about, and be sure to remember. My mom turned 30 shortly after my parents adopted me. I'm only one year ahead of that, so the age thing is ok. Also, outside of Utah, this is perfectly normal. Right? Maybe? I have never been a patient person. Just ask my dad. Or Kollin. Or pretty much anyone that has known me for longer than... oh... five minutes? Kollin always tells me about the whole "love at first sight" thing once I see him, and that the patience will come. I always try to remind myself that my Heavenly Father would not dish out anything to me that I could not handle. That my Mother will be watching over me, and make sure I am ok (ok, now I have tears streaming down my face). But I still worry. Then about the whole greed thing. I know I have been quite a greedy person in my life. But there have also been times when I have given all of myself and not thought of what is in it for me? When I think back over time, I think the non-greedy outweigh the greedy. But that may just be me trying to find something good about myself. Anyone else have a different opinion on that? With me being soooo sick (blah), I have known women that have been MUCH more sick than I have been. I just need to remember that at least I am not needing to go to the ER for an IV drip to keep nutrients in me, and am not constantly puking my guts out. Feeling incredibly sick all. the. time. doesn't look so bad. But anyway, thank you for putting up with my little rant. I hope all of this will just go away, although I doubt it, but I can still hope!


Courtney said...

Ali! How did I not know about this blog? But I'm glad I do now! I can't even tell you how much I relate to this post. I was really nervous when I was pregnant with little John, I've never been much of a baby/kid person and I would often go crazy taking care of other people's kids for even an hour or two. But what everyone says about it being different with your own is completely true...sure there are times you are so exhausted and worn out that you wonder what you've gotten yourself into. But I promise you will feel a connection, bond, and love for your own little boy that you can't really experience with other people's kids (no matter how cute they are!). I think it's great that you're expressing these feelings because a lot of people have them and it's totally normal.

Camilla said...

I would tell you that the minute he is born you will suddenly have all the mothery instincts and be perfect.. but in my reality ( and i hope its not just me?!) Being a parent is the hardest thing i have ever done. And i loved kids and nannied for 6 years so i THOUGHT i would be awesome at this mothering gig. I did feel that instant love and feeling like i had to protect him. But.. There are times i have no patience left and i do something like spank my kid and then feel horribly guilty because i was never going to be "that" mom. Or the kids dont use manners and do something to mortify me in public. I think being a parent is a great way to work on being a better person, becuase you are forced to be more selfless, patient, understanding, nonjudgmental.. you get the point.

I think that the mental game of... am i a good mom, am i doing enough, am i messing my kids up and they will hate me and need therapy... well that is the hardest part for me.

They make it worth it though, and you always love them despite the hard days. Holidays are much more fun, it gives a new meaning to all the mundane things in life becuase kids think everything is exciting. And hey... kids are great because they love you even when you screw up!

Zanny said...

Wow, I thought Courtney and Camilla were so eloquent in their words! I agree with everything they said.

I guess the only thing I could add is something that I learned myself with a tiny 3 1/2 pound premature newborn. We are never alone as mothers Heavenly Father is only a prayer away and as mothers, I believe we have a special mantle placed upon us that gives us a two-way connection with our Heavenly Father. There were times when I fell down on my knees in tears, telling the Lord that I had no idea what I was doing, and could he please guide me and help me? I would then have feelings come into my mind of what to do and of comfort as well. It taught me that what is important to me is important to him. And that meant that Summer's early nursing issues or what have you were every bit as vital to the Lord because...she is His child too. So, I say again, that you will not be alone in motherhood. And your own mother's spirit will be with you as well.

Alicia Caldwell-West said...

Ali girl,
It all sounds so familiar. I freaked out because I couldn't keep house plants alive. There is something to be said about having your own "blood". I'm not saying I don't love my adoptive parents, I do. Its just nice having someone that is all me. I don't resent Miss Maggie at all for how sick I was through the whole thing. Morning sickness my ass. Morning mid afternoon dinner...didn't matter I was sick. You are already an amazing, giving person. You will be fine. Try not to doubt yourself too much.(even though its hard) things will just click and when you have no idea what to do there is always dozens of moms on facebook to give you some advice or just listen. You will be an amazing mom!

Marsh Mayhem said...

Ali -- I remember reading with my first about those feelings, and apparently it's a defense mechanism. You fear the worst but it's your brain's way of preparing for that to never happen.

I never wanted to be a mom ... not until I was married ... and I was scared to death of messing it up. While there are days that I swear I'm the worst mom on the planet, it shocks me to see what my kids absorb, seemingly without me trying. You'll definitely be guided, and you have a great support system around you. (And yeah, 31 isn't that old ... you'd be shocked how crazy people out here think I am for having my THIRD before I'm 31!!)