Will it Come?
I'm starting to get a little worried about my attitude towards kids right now. I am still very excited for my little boy to get here, and can't wait to be a mother. I have always wanted to be a mom. There was even a point that I had decided to trash that whole idea, and it wasn't going to happen for me. I felt I was too old to be having my first child. I didn't think I had the patience to deal with a whiny, crying, suck the life out of me small person. I am so scared that the whole patience thing will not come to me, and I am going to hate my baby. I thought I was too greedy to want to bring a little one into this world that would be depending completely on me, and I just wouldn't want to deal with it and end up being a dead beat mom. Some of these thoughts are coming back... but oops! Too late! No getting out of it now. Me being so sick through my entire pregnancy hasn't helped with that much either. It makes me wonder if I am going to resent my child for putting me through this crap. I am hoping that it is just the pregnancy hormones talking, but in a way know that it isn't. For a long time even before I was pregnant, unless I was around a perfectly well mannered child or baby, I would get very annoyed and anxious with anything that kid would do. It was always the best birth control back in the day. Now, however, it is scaring the crap out of me. There are things that I just need to keep thinking about, and be sure to remember. My mom turned 30 shortly after my parents adopted me. I'm only one year ahead of that, so the age thing is ok. Also, outside of Utah, this is perfectly normal. Right? Maybe? I have never been a patient person. Just ask my dad. Or Kollin. Or pretty much anyone that has known me for longer than... oh... five minutes? Kollin always tells me about the whole "love at first sight" thing once I see him, and that the patience will come. I always try to remind myself that my Heavenly Father would not dish out anything to me that I could not handle. That my Mother will be watching over me, and make sure I am ok (ok, now I have tears streaming down my face). But I still worry. Then about the whole greed thing. I know I have been quite a greedy person in my life. But there have also been times when I have given all of myself and not thought of what is in it for me? When I think back over time, I think the non-greedy outweigh the greedy. But that may just be me trying to find something good about myself. Anyone else have a different opinion on that? With me being soooo sick (blah), I have known women that have been MUCH more sick than I have been. I just need to remember that at least I am not needing to go to the ER for an IV drip to keep nutrients in me, and am not constantly puking my guts out. Feeling incredibly sick all. the. time. doesn't look so bad. But anyway, thank you for putting up with my little rant. I hope all of this will just go away, although I doubt it, but I can still hope!