Sometimes it feels longer.
Other times it doesn't feel that long.
I know it will be a blink of an eye for you when we are able to see each other again.
I wish it was like that for me.
I miss you.
I need you.
I love you.
I was talking to someone the other day of the last time I saw you.
You had lost the ability to speak days before. Your eyes were constantly moving and would not fix on anything. You would not react to anyone anymore.
When I came down the hallway to your room to say hi, Dad was sitting with you. His eyes got huge and said that you had reacted when you heard my clunky heels walking down the hall. He said it was one of the first reactions anyone had gotten all day.
He left me alone with you and I crawled into your bed with you. I held you in my arms and told you how much I loved you and how unbelievably scared I was. I told you that I hoped you would not be disappointed in me and knew you still loved me no matter what.
I looked in your face trying to make eye contact, but it wasn't happening. You were not there anymore.
But then you suddenly looked at me. Your eyes stopped on mine and I could see YOU.
"There you are!" I said. "I love you so much Mommy."
You then gave me a look of how frustrated you were for not being able to say it back to me. I knew then, as I have always known that you love me too.
And then your eyes moved away and you were gone again.
Later that evening, Dad called me to let me know that you had passed peacefully.
I know with all of my heart that you know I was there that day. That you heard me and understood what I was saying to you. That you love all of us and did not want to leave.
I have felt you more this past year than I ever have. I have received help with my son, especially during those first few weeks of his life that were so terrifying. I wonder if I would have been able to handle it the way that I did if I didn't feel your sweet blanket of love around me. Knowing that you were there and I could do it.
I sometimes get sad that he will never meet you. But I know that you knew each other and you still know him so well. Thank you for picking this beautiful little guy just for me.
I cannot say it enough how much I love and miss you.
But you know I do.
I love you!